First Aid for the Paranoid
by Kirameki Nella
Summary: AceLu/ZoSan. Luffy has to go to the doctor's office for a physical, and Ace is not content with the doctor, let alone the examination. What's Ace to do when Doctor Shanks intends on touching his precious little brother? AU One-Shot!


**I have never written a One Piece fanfiction before so forgive me if the characters are OOC x( anyhow, I do not own One Piece.**

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Ace _hated_ going to the hospital. It wasn't so much as going to the hospital in general, neither was it for him. He hated going to the hospital for Luffy. Why? Well his 'family doctor' just happened to be Shanks. Shanks was such a _horrible_ influence on his brother. Ace could _see_ that gleam in his eye when he looked at Luffy. That stupid doctor feigned innocence but Ace _knew_ that he was after Luffy. If he wasn't a family doctor, Ace would've transferred Luffy to his own doctor, Edward Newgate, or as Ace liked to call him: Whitebeard. Shanks was just too comfortable around Luffy to be a regular doctor. There was something about that man that just made Ace's blood boil so much that-

"Oi, Ace! You're going to be late for Luffy's appointment if you keep sulking." Sabo, Ace's room mate, said with a mouthful of toothpaste. He was only Ace's room mate, but he'd known the brothers for so long that he was practically their brother too. In fact, if he remembered correctly, Ace and Luffy weren't really brothers. The three boys all met each other when they were little. Sure, Luffy oddly looked similar to Ace with his same colored hair and eyes, but they weren't actually related. Sometimes Sabo misplaced Ace's brotherly love with the real thing...sometimes he actually questioned how Ace and Luffy felt about each other...

"Hopefully we _will_ be late so that red hair can call off the appointment..." Ace grumbled. "...and I'm not sulking!" He snapped. Sabo rolled his eyes. _Took him long enough. _

"Yeah, well, I value our rations and I'd rather you get rid of him already." Sabo joked, gesturing to Luffy, who was eating out their fridge like it was a banquet. Ace's heart leapt. _He's just like me with his appe-hey! That's mine!_

"Luffy, don't eat that!" Ace scolded, taking the box of crocodile meat out of his hands. He caught that himself and he didn't want it to be eaten up already. He wanted to savor the taste. Luffy stuck out his bottom lip and pouted. _Don't give in, don't give in..._Sabo sweat dropped as he watched Ace urge himself to not cave in.

"Luffy, if you don't hurry up and leave you'll miss your appointment with Shanks." Sabo mentioned. Luffy let a wide grin spread across his face. He jumped up and sped out the door in an instant..

"Alright! It's been awhile since I saw Shanks!" Luffy cheered. Ace let out a relieved sigh and put his precious crocodile meat back where it was supposed to go.

"Thanks Sabo!" Ace shouted and ran out the door, grabbing his keys off the table. Sabo rolled his eyes.

_Why do I have such odd brothers?_

"Hey, hey, hey Ace!" Luffy bounced up and down in his seat as Ace drove to the hospital. He was way too excited for Ace's taste. How did Luffy not see the gleam in that perverted bastard's eyes? Couldn't he tell that Shanks was after him? Hell, Ace wouldn't be surprised if Shanks was after his assistant Makino. She was such a nice young lady. Now that he thought about it, she was probably in her late twenties...Ace brought his mind away from the random topic and addressed his brother's chanting.

"What is it Luffy?" Ace asked.

"After the appointment, can we eat lunch?" Ace paled at the question. He didn't think he'd be able to eat lunch after the appointment.

After all, Luffy was getting a physical.

Ace's danger danger signals were going haywire as he walked into the hospital. He signed in at the front desk while Luffy bugged a hospital patient for their lunch. They walked over to their doctor's wing and sat in the waiting room. Ace looked around cautiously for any sight of the perverted red hair. They sat in the room for about half an hour when a bickering pair of men came in the waiting room. One had short green hair and the other had chin length blond hair and a curly brow above a blue eye. The other was covered by his hair. The green haired one had three swords on his belt, which caused Ace to be quite cautious of him. Did they seriously let this guy in?

"Should've know you'd get us lost, shitty marimo. Why did I follow you? Damn moss head..." The blond one growled.

"What did you say, shitty cook?" The one labeled as Marimo growled.

"Hey, Ace, look! He has swords on him! That's so cool! Do you think he'll be my friend?" Luffy asked, giddy with excitement. Ace shushed him.

"He should probably in the mental wing..." Ace whispered. "Ya know, the looney bin? You don't want to get involved with him..." Luffy laughed quietly at the idea.

"You're the reason we're here in the first place. Can't go anywhere with you having a damn nosebleed all the time. Shitty perverted cook..." Marimo grumbled.

"_My_ fault? How is this _m_y fault?! You're the one who doesn't know how to fuck-" Ace immediately covered Luffy's ears with wide eyes. Marimo stopped dead in his tracks and turned around to glare at the cook. _I have a feeling that they're in the wrong wing over here..._Ace thought. He was glad that Luffy didn't choose to be stubborn and try to wiggle out of his grasp. He could _not _let his innocent little brother hear the crude words these men were spouting...even if he was old enough to know what they were talking about...

"What did you say? I'll kill you, say that again!" Marimo dared.

"You heard me! It's your fault with your damn little getting lost problem. Well I guess it's not as bad as the even smaller problem in your pants." The blond gave the moss head a smug smirk.

"You shitty-" A few security guards had to come over and restrain the two. They apologized to the people in the waiting room before taking the couple away. The two were still throwing insults at each other even as they were leaving. Once they were in a safe distance, Ace removed his hands from Luffy's ears. Luffy gave him a puzzled look but brushed it off when they called his name. Ace followed Luffy in the room. Shanks already knew this was going to take a lot longer when Ace walked in the room. He inwardly groaned at the sight of the older, protective brother. Really, Shanks and Ace used to be cool with each other until Ace found out that Shanks was 'the reason' why Luffy was staring to grow rebellious.

"Hey, Luffy, how are you feeling today?" Shanks asked, smiling sincerely. Ace didn't believe that phony smile for a second.

"Pretty great! There was a swordsman in the waiting room! He and this other guy was fighting but Ace covered my ears so I couldn't hear what they were saying..." Luffy said.

"Really? That's interesting. Well, take a...seat..." Shanks trailed off when Ace sat in the chair Luffy was supposed to. Luffy nodded and sat comfortably on Ace's lap. Shanks inwardly shook his head and decided it was best not to question Ace's odd brotherly actions. "Will you take your shirt off for me Luffy?" Shanks asked. He watched as Ace took it off for him. Shanks closed his eyes and forced himself to not make a smart comment and get Ace in a mood worse than he was in now. Shanks could _feel_ the 'if you touch him I'll fucking kill you' aura coming off of the brother already and he hadn't even done anything yet. He put the stethoscope buds in his ears and opened his eyes. He paused when he noticed Ace was covering Luffy's nipples with a murderous glare on his face.

"..." Luffy just stared at Shanks expectantly like this was normal. Shanks shook his head and pressed the stethoscope to Luffy's chest for his heartbeat. Everything seemed okay. His heartbeat was quite normal...Shanks couldn't say the same thing for himself. Ace literally looked like he was about to murder him for touching Luffy's chest with an object. Shanks could only imagine what Ace would have done if they didn't have this type of technology and Shanks would have to touch Luffy with his bare hands...he probably wouldn't even be able to get within a few feet of Luffy with his arms intact.

Now it was time for the big question.

"Ace, you've had a physical before, right?" Shanks asked? Ace didn't verbally answer but shook his head 'no.' Shanks sighed, knowing that Ace would think he was trying to get into his brother's pants if he asked him the next question...but he wouldn't take it that far, right? "Right. Luffy, can you take off your pants-" Shanks almost wasn't able to register the fist flying towards him. He easily blocked it and let out a sigh. "It's necessary, Ace why can't...you..." Luffy, not minding Shanks and Ace, took off his pants as instructed. He stood there in all his glory so nonchalantly it was ridiculous.

That was the first time Portgas D. Ace had ever fainted from a nosebleed.


End file.
